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<p dir=”ltr”>Preface: I was in my university library (still here, as I’m typing this) – There was a cutie I wanted to approach but due to all the hesitation and procrastination and thoughts in my head, that I did – I didn’t approach. I felt extremely bad in the inside after she walked away, like the pain of regret, but with a sting of 10x. I felt so sick inside, I almost broke down crying, lol. I was able to recover pretty quickly and decided to jump on my pages and write a bit of what I had learned, since it was still fresh in my head. I came to a new realization of what connection means to me and I kind of wanted to share it and my feelings after my experience.</p>
<p dir=”ltr”>If it resonates with anyone, please don’t hesitate in sharing yourself, thank you!</p>
<p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”><span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”>What did I learn about myself?</span></p>
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<p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”><span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”>I still feel that pull that desperation and empty feeling that lacking feeling of not having a woman, or not being able to attract them and bring them into my life. The lack, the emptiness – that pull – I still feel it whenever I don’t have them or can’t bring them into my life. I find that maintaining my standards is difficult because I have that desperate need whether it’d be for validation or to feel good. It’s not always because of sex, but I feel that pull of NEEDING and maintaining that validation from women. The difference I have now, rather then before is that my self-awareness has improved and I can instantly recover, but those slow few minutes of pain are excruciatingly painful. Painful, because you realize the pain of wanting a connection, but still having the old habits and programming of the past, of wanting to experience that connection, validation through dependent channels that people have no vested interest in my happiness. It’s hard because to lean away from is hard. I have improved. I have gotten the knowledge and I have applied it, but now the problem I have is that I must maintain and be consistent.</span></p>
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<p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”><span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”>For me, it gets kind of painful, because I’ve gotten kind of used to expecting immediate results – it’s understandable after getting through</span><span style=”background-color: transparent; color: #000000; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;”> the theory because it reflects our moment to moment desires and what we currently desire in the present moment. If what I currently desire is more connection and validation: then what can I do experience connection? </span></p>
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<p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”><span style=”background-color: transparent; color: #000000; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;”>I think we get desperate and needy because we desire connection and what I have been focusing on (sensual, physical,, body, sex ) is what has been making me feel so empty and so much like shit. As I’m writing this, I’ve come to the realization that I have been seeking that connection through sex and I’ve been focusing heavy on that – sex. Sex. sex – Rather than building and cultivating meaningful relationships with other people (including Women). </span></p>
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<p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”><span style=”background-color: transparent; color: #000000; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;”>Truth is, I’ve never been someone that was socially competent enough to build and cultivate friendships with other people. I’ve always been kind of a outcast/loner and have always struggled growing up on making friends (someone like my brother has always been better than me at that), so I’ve always felt that deep internal emptiness and have never been taught how to build those friendships growing up and how to act socially in order to make them. As I’ve never been someone who was socially competent enough to experience connections through socializing, I’ve relied on seeking those deep connections sexually, through having sex with multiple women (escort services, one night stands, FWB). What I’ve come to realize is that these connections are not deep, or meaningful at all… At most it just becomes an experiential moment of pleasure, but that doesn’t fill that internal void. I have always relied on filling that void through having more and more sex, with more and more sexual partners.The more I’ve had, the emptier I’ve felt. Mostly, because they were built on a weak foundation; it’s built on surface level experiences and pure physical pleasure and it was all just fleeting, and it all felt that way because sex was just an expression of the frail relationships that were built. Sex was an inefficient mechanism for me to experience the level of connection I desired, because I was willing to sleep with anyone with a cute face and a pretty smile to feel that way, It was nothing more than an ineffective quick fix.</span></p>
<p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”><span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”>I’m not sure I have all the answers, but I figure If I change my mechanism of seeking connection through casual sex, rather than focusing and cultivating meaningful relationships with a strong foundation and let sex be an expression of that foundation – not the result.</span></p>
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<p dir=”ltr” style=”line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;”><span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”> I think in order to have a positive impact in my life, I think that I must implement a different mechanism with a complete different focus to experience the level of connection I desire and source that feeling by taking control through the Independent (Doing) Pathway.</span></p>
<span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”> </span>
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