Beliefs and women's signals of interest

[Doug]

As a rational person, I cannot deny that women may have made signals to me in the past that I didn’t see, or that I saw them but didn’t recognize them for what they were. I also take Leigh’s point that believing beliefs and living uniquely according to them is limiting. Quite apart from the fact that I can’t honestly see how any woman could be attracted to me (and so give me signals), I have no idea how to ‘recognize’ signals for what they are. If I could ‘see’ them, I’d still need to ‘believe’ – there’s that concept again – that what I’m seeing is what it is, and then act on it. Part of this comes from the reality that in this day and age, as a guy, I don’t wish to invite an accusation against me. In the absence of signals, I keep my feelings of interest to myself.

Topic

[Jimmy]

Why do you need to see them? Is the underlying issue here that you want to escalate but feel uncomfortable/unsure? Is that in the ballpark?

[Leigh]

@jimmy, this is the continuation of a comment thread Doug and I had on one of the articles about rejection. If you want to catch the thread, start here: http://my.lifeoperatingsystem.com/1-technique-to-guarantee-you-will-never-be-rejected-by-women/#comment-5261

Doug wrote:

I can’t honestly see how any woman could be attracted to me

Doug, this is the part of your comment that I wanted to explore.

What is it about you and your life that is impossible for a woman to be attracted to? And what would need to change about your life for it to be possible a woman to be attracted to you?

[Doug]

Throughout my life I’ve seen all sorts of guys getting women’s attention – I have never gotten any at all.  Literally none.  It’s obvious that other guys have something I don’t – namely the ability to attract women.  Since men have to compete for women’s attention, clearly other guys are attractive and I am not, leading me to conclude that I can’t attract women.  I honestly have no idea what would need to change for it to be possible a woman to be attracted to me – or if it is possible at all.  I have talked to woman friends about this – their response has been that I “…just need to show my masculine (sexual) side” when I interact with women I’m attracted to.  I honestly have no idea what they’re talking about and so don’t know where to start.

[Doug]

Additionally, men are advised that not to act on [extremely subtle] signals from a woman (like moments of eye contact) is a big mistake.  We’re told that the woman already feels like she’s given a green light, and that if  a guy doesn’t do anything, she’ll think it’s because he’s not interested.  In a world where accusers are routinely believed (often but not always justifiably) and accused are deemed guilty by default (pretty much always), I’m not about to approach a woman – no matter how attractive I find her – if I sort of think I see what might be a signal.  I do not want – nor will I allow myself – to be put in a position where I lose friends, credibility – and possibly my job, property and freedom.  I do not see any way to get around this because this is – so we are told – the way it is.  Other guys are able to attract women – somehow – and I am not.

[Jimmy]

Honestly, I could probably handle this one in person but I think this is beyond me.  Not because you’re difficult or anything but I’ve never done online coaching.  I still don’t see what the issue is and how I can help you.  I think women CAN be attracted to you.  If there’s anything here you walk away with.  You can be attractive.  Why would you not?  Are there some people who are attractive and some people who aren’t?  You are attractive man.  Because the things that a person are (brave, courageous, kind, attractive) are things that you do every day.  It’s what you DO that defines you. And you ARE attractive.  Don’t lose hope.

[Leigh]

I’ve been thinking about this thread for a while now and the one thing I keep coming back to is that it seems like you don’t actually want a solution. You’re not looking for ways to move your life forward and challenge your limitations.

It seems as though all you want to do is talk about the reasons why you can’t live the life you want.

Every time we challenge your beliefs and start moving forward, you keep coming back to these same foundations of “No woman could find me attractive and even if she did, I’d be fool to make any kind of move because I’d offend people”, even though you’ve acknowledged that your beliefs are based on faulty logic.

Until you decided that you’re going to look for a way to live the life you want rather than reasons why you can’t, this conversation is pretty pointless. We’re just going to keep talking about the same things over and over again and wasting our time while not making any progress.

I’m happy to help you, but it only works if you want to help yourself.

[Doug]

I get your frustration, Leigh.  As I said a few days ago, “I honestly have no idea what would need to change for it to be possible a woman to be attracted to me.”  I’ve raised this with several woman friends (and/or they’ve raised it with me) – their response has been that I “…just need to show my masculine (sexual) side” when I interact with women I’m attracted to.  I honestly have no idea what they’re talking about and so don’t know where to start.  My women friends say I am attractive but that I can’t see it and so can’t be confident in myself around women I find sexually attractive.  Basically they say I need to ‘feel sexually attractive’ before I can actually be that – but I don’t, and never have.  Does this give us something to work with?

[Jimmy]

Why did you come here?  Honest question.  Why are you on this site?

[Doug]

Hi Jimmy – thank you for your interest.  I’m here to see if someone can help me find out how – as a guy – to ‘feel sexually attractive’.  As I mentioned in my last response, my women friends have told me time and time again that in order to attract women on a sexual level, I have to be first of all accept myself as attractive that way (i.e., that I have something to offer women and that I can be chosen by women as a mate) – and I just can’t seem to do it.  I’m looking for  guidance on how to do that – I’ve never been able to – and it’s frustrating because I want to meet women and have all sorts of fun, not just the platonic kind I have plenty of now.  My women friends tell me that women need to be ‘lead to the bedroom’ and if I can’t see myself as being worthy of taking a woman there, it won’t happen.  Any thoughts?

[Leigh]

Doug wrote:

I get your frustration, Leigh. As I said a few days ago, “I honestly have no idea what would need to change for it to be possible a woman to be attracted to me.”

We’re back at this point again: http://my.lifeoperatingsystem.com/how-to-attract-women/

This is what needs to change.

Last time I linked to this, you said “I read your article (that you quoted a link to twice) and it was of zero help to me. As I said, it’s a great article, but the fact is, no woman could ever be attracted to me no matter what I do.” without even doing anything or trying anything and if you want to us to keep working with you, then you need to start looking at your life and taking responsibility for changing your situation rather than just saying “I won’t work for me…”

For a more practical place to start your transformation, read this: http://my.lifeoperatingsystem.com/how-to-be-more-masculine/

It’s the ‘how’ behind what your female friends have been telling you.

[Author]

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