Hello from Chicago (for now)

[Paul]

Hey everyone. My name is Paul and I’m 20 years old, originally from Mexico City and my parents are from Korea.

I found out about this place because I bought Endgame a few years back. I’ve been on a wild journey and am still trying to find my way.

For the past couple years, I’ve felt stuck, which I feel sucks considering I was a teenager. I feel like I still don’t know what I want out of life and I’m not disciplined enough to get what I think I want.

Recently, I’ve felt completely out of control of my life. I can’t wake up on time to get to my classes or even do homework. I mean, I still have  a ton of good things in my life that I’m grateful for – my family, friends, great life opportunities and skills. Everything is there for me to take. The problem is I feel like I’m not ready to be a happy, successful person.

If there’s anything you guys think could help me out, please let me know.

Topic

[Leigh]

Welcome, mate. Good to have you here.

That last line of your introduction is interesting. What do you mean that you ‘don’t feel like you’re ready to be a happy, successful person’?

I’ve never heard that before.

[Paul]

I’m not too sure myself. An example is that I’ve always wanted to get married, but I tell myself “I need a few years to grow up and find myself,” which is fine. But the problem is that I do that with everything. I can’t talk to women properly because I’m afraid I’m not attractive, or even worse, I’m scared they will find me attractive and want to be with me but I’ll end up messing up or not be enough for them.

I want to be a writer but I don’t spend time writing these days. Writing is not some crazy dream you have to prepare for years like becoming a doctor. I could start now but I just feel like, where would I be if I started living that kind of life? The life I want.

I feel like I don’t want to find out what a great life is like because it sounds so different from what I’m used to.

[Leigh]

You have a fascinating brain 🙂

Would you say your issue is more down the path of a fear of change? Or a fear of failure? Or something else completely?

[Paul]

I sometimes feel that I’m trying to save the good moments for later. Like once I’m a better person, I’ll write. once I have a better life, I’ll get a girlfriend. I guess it’s a kind of perfectionism.

I’m afraid I’ll change and it won’t be into exactly a person I want to be. I’m  afraid that I’ll get what I want but not everything. In a way, I want to control every step of the process and be aware of what’s happening. That way, if I become a better person, I know how to do it again if I go through some fucked up shit that makes me a fucked up person again.

Wow, I never went that deep with it.

It’s like, if I become the person I want to be, but I didn’t get there by myself and my own willpower, so I even deserve to claim it? Like, I know change is uncontrollable and I should let things take their course and correct as I go but I don’t want to leave things to chance.

Also, I’m afraid I just don’t have it in me to live the life I want to. What if I don’t square up to being who I want to be? What if I end up not wanting what I think I want? I’m in my head too much.

[Leigh]

Interesting. So, I’m just trying to understand what’s going on here so I’m clear. You would say the following is an accurate summary of what’s going on:

You want to have the power and control over your life to shape it in any way you want and you’re afraid you’ll never get it.

Is that accurate? Or are you looking for something else?

[Paul]

That’s how my subconscious feels I’d say.

I want to be okay with not being able to control everything be okay with not getting exactly what I want.

[Paul]

Actually, that’s bullshit.

I’m trying to live a life that other people have set out for me. I’ve been doing that for so long and trying to give into that that I don’t know what I want anymore.

 

[Leigh]

Ahhh… now we’re getting somewhere. Good work getting to that point.

If you’re still not convinced that living someone else’s life plan is a bad idea, read this: http://my.lifeoperatingsystem.com/11-reasons-you-must-stop-living-your-parents-life-plan/

If you’re ready to find yours, read this: http://my.lifeoperatingsystem.com/life-vision/

They should help.

[Anonymous]

Hi,I am here too!!!!

[Paul]

Hello Leigh,

It’s been a while. I’ve had some pretty stale months but I’ve had experiences and interactions with amazing people that have brought about change in my life. I have also made tons of choices that were proactive to change my environment.

 

I’ve been struggling with being confident but it made me re-read Endgame. I haven’t had internal certainty. I didn’t believe in myself and that everything would be okay. It made me resort to tactics and other people’s arbitrary life guides. I don’t want to live like that anymore.

I realise it’s so much more fun to leave things up to fate, God, whomever, just trust everything will be okay and accept whatever I do or whatever happens.

I don’t know how far I’ll go but I’m already seeing change. I’ve been more outgoing, I’m starting to hit goals I’d been stuck with for years. Life’s getting exciting again.

Just got back on here because it’s so true that it’s your operating system that determines how your every day plays out. It influences the experiences and emotions you can have, the external interactions that come from inside.

It’s a long journey for sure. Thanks for helping people onto the path.

Paul.

[Author]

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