I always try to make an effort to never talk about people when they’re not around because I hate bitchiness, people who have nothing better to do but talk about other people, and backstabbers. I don’t want to engage in that behaviour myself and get disappointed at myself when I slip and say something about someone by mistake. Most of the time I never even say anything good about other people or things about them that are not good and bad because I want people to trust me, as they might feel that they said these things to me in confidence and that they feel uncomfortable about me repeating it to other people. I used to think this way as well when I mention things about myself to other people, except now I (for the most part, not as much recently) feel like I am more or less the same person around everyone, so if I say something to someone, there isn’t any reason for it to bother me if they share the information with someone else. I don’t feel I have much to hide anymore.
That said, I don’t usually have as much of a problem with someone talking badly about someone if they’ve made it clear to the person that they don’t like them. But I can’t stand pretending like you on are on good terms with them in person and then talking constant shit about them when they are not around. This strikes me as incredibly toxic and sociopathic. I try to avoid these people.
I think the reason why I find it easier to not talk about other people when they’re not around is that I usually don’t have any problem telling people what I think of them to their face (although this has become progressively harder for me in the last year or so, because I think I’ve become needy out of nowhere, but I can’t tell). About two years ago, someone told me that I can be “blunt” with how I talk to people, and I didn’t think about this at the time, but I really can’t think of a higher compliment that someone can give you, even though it definitely wasn’t intended as one. I’ve noticed that for a lot of people, “bluntness” is often used interchangeably with “having no social skills”. This makes sense, because people often state that I am a social retard (which I also consider at best a compliment, and at worst a neutral characteristic, because it indicates that I don’t, or didn’t, engage in bullshit social convention).
What this means is that I often engage in the opposite behaviour of most other people, but I am still lying. I’ve noticed that what most other people do is never tell someone what they think to their face, and only say bad things about them when they are not around. This indicates that they are not being honest with the person. However, with me, I tell people the negative things I think of them to their face, and then never say anything bad about them when they are not around (except if I am mentioning them anonymously, and it’s someone that the other person will never encounter). This means that I am still lying, but to the other people rather than the person who is being talked about. I have only just come to the realization that I may be doing something wrong by doing this.
For instance, there’s this person who I work with quite a bit. The person has some redeeming qualities but I have massive problems with the person. The person is extremely guarded, seems very off, and in the past would play constant mind games with me (I think because he caught me lying about something a few times). One time it aggravated me to the point that I asked him in a subtle way why he was doing what he was doing, make it clear that I knew what he was doing. As the conversation progressed he looked more and more uncomfortable and then feigned irritation to try and stop the conversation (which indicated he wanted me to stop), before I flat out told him I was sick of him playing mind games, and then explicitly stated what he was doing. The next time I talked to him (the next day, or a few days later, I can’t remember) he looked like he was about to start having a panic attack, I think because he realized that I knew what he was doing this entire time and that I know how much of a sociopath he is. Presumably he thought that this had all been going over my head before this point.
However, whenever someone asks what it is to like to work with him, I usually lie and say something along the lines, “Great”, or “No problems”, for the reasons I have already mentioned. I don’t know if it’s OK to tell the truth about the person if I have already told them what I think of them to their face. I’m not sure if it’s better to just lie to not get a reputation as a shitty person. If I make it clear that this is not a passive-aggressive comment because I’ve already said it to the person’s face, that seems like it makes it OK to me. Does all of this indicate that I care too much about what people think of me? I just hate lying about anything. It’s just that I’ve noticed that the more I lie about things like this, the more the lying bleeds over to other areas of my life, and I find myself hesitating more and more before I say anything in lots of situations (to think what is the “best” thing to say here), and lying more and more about all different sorts of things. I think this makes me come off as more and more guarded, which makes people feel more and more uneasy around me, because they can pick up on my fakeness and bullshit.
I just thought that maybe the best thing is to just tell the other people that I have problems with this person, but I have made this clear to him and don’t wish to discuss this with you. Or maybe I could just say that I don’t feel comfortable talking about other people.
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