The Journey Continues: Amber-Leigh Taylor

[Anonymous]

The Journey Continues: Amber-Leigh Taylor

I was such an ass to Lehigh. I kept asking for refunds. I noticed End Game worked after my time with Amber.

Currently, being open when you want to close is the hardest thing for me.

 

The recovery house I lived in was the shittiest of holes. A dirty, bed bug infested building with missing windows with no heat at times and so much more. I was so dependent on things being my way I hated it. I loved connecting with everyone there though. It was one big fucked-up family. It helped me master being open, expressing myself and being somewhat free, group did the same thing. It was such a blessing to be there. It taught me passivity is trash and activity is golden. When I said fuck this shit I’m out and everyone knew I was ready to leave, I had a fling with the feminine Amber-Leigh Taylor.

 

I attracted Amber without even noticing it. Further down the road, I’d say I have no idea why you like me. I wasn’t physically attracted to her. I feel bad now that I reflect. I wanted to try some things I read in other books and I caught feelings.

 

She called me open, expressive and free. She taught me the difference between extrinsic and intrinsic attractiveness. Somewhere on the website I learned women want to go out and see how they feel. She validated a lot of what Lehigh teaches. I knew I wasn’t ready. But I can dance before the prom.One day I was shooting hoops and thought, I just gotta do stuff I like and I’ll get women. I wasn’t doing the hard work in End Game.

 
 

Things broke down.

 
 

I remember when we went out once I was hoping she compliment me. She did. She was very physically attracted to me. So I thought that was shy she liked me so much. But, I was very wrong. She knew more about me than anyone in my life aside from my therapist. She would open too. I learned things I couldn’t fathom; the dark secrets woman keep locked away I guess or just intimacy.

 

 As I got more comfortable with my looks,  i began hating when she complimented me and started to ask her to stop. Now, when women compliment me I really don’t smile. I learned I have to be open and explain things to people if they will listen. Most people wont understand the End Game journey. She could not understand things I did because I was not open enough to explain.

 

I remember I wanted validation. Once at the gym, I asked this guy who was sleeping to leave. He was annoyed but eventually exited. This reoccurred in a different  fashion during the night shift when I didn’t work. She said if you were there it wouldn’t have been that big a deal, you would have handled it. I wanted more validation so I explained the aforementioned story. I felt dumb afterwards.

 

It got harder being open about new things and it created a bridge in my opinion. I have mom issues. My mom was a drug addict who left my in the hospital as a baby. Never had a relationship with her. For some reason, I blocked Amber’ number. She came to me and said when I call your ohone it goes right to voice mail. I gave her a blank look.

 

I couldn’t handle her yelling. I would get defensive and close down rather than open and explain so she could understand so more distance and contempt was created. We went out for breakfast before she left for Cali. (She would say you’re going to go with me. I know you want to move there. You can check things out. You could even transfer to the gym an hour away the beach. You can make your dream a reality. As things worsened, it would never happen)

 

She asked, in a yelling manner. Why are buying all those books and doing all the stuff you’re doing? I got tense. I felt my body tighten and heat surround me. It was to get a better life and create a fulfilling relationship. She told me the relationships she was in were empty. She didn’t love either guy she was with at previous times. I said the same thing I told Lehigh. “So I can have sex and die!” (If people around us heard us I know they were like what the fuck is going on over there) I hadn’t bought a new id; gotten a new birth certificate or registered for a new SS card. I was just meditating and doing therapy and other wellness stuff. This was right to me. My life didtn change when i got those things.

 

Sex went from bad to ok in terms of  not sourcing things from her. I bought sex books only to learn it would make me more outcome oriented. I guess I was trying to create a life with books to gain knowledge to make a better life. That was my thinking during this probation time. Nobody gets it. I know what I’m doing in term of my vision. Before we had sex the first time, she said you have a lot of knowledge, but not a lot of experiences in terms of ding things.

 

This point in my life I’ve done tons of getting. I would sacrifice jobs for internship experience so I never had money to do anything. I would walk the city in interview cloths hoping to get a job, even the librarians new me. I usually never had a haircut or phone)

I used what I read in a book and she began moaning. I put my mouth on her clitoris and she said my name. It was so good I made her beg. I thought I hit gold when she was about to come, but my overzealousness ruined it and she told me. I asked if she came. She said when you stop making a  big deal about sex you’ll get more. I went small again and closed to her questioning. I wasn’t aiming for just sex. I never thought I would get a partner if I was bad. I’ve only had sex 5 times in my life, 4 were with her. She said if its sex you want you can get it. I wanted more than just sex, always have.

 

The next time we had sex was before a party she invited me to accompany her, I came quickly and felt embarrassed. She didn’t seem to be as taken back as I was. We returned from the party and I was intoxicated. I almost cried. I kept saying why are you with me. Why do you like me. She kept trying to cover my mouth telling me to shut up. We fucked. She couldn’t talk this time around when I gave her head. It was very scary, I thought she was dying. The convulsions and almost sort-of choking I’d never seen that in porn made me worried. I wasnt trying to get. I kept breathing. At the end, she turned around and said you don’t want me. You don’t want me. IT was a weird night filled with insecurity and all sorts of unworthiness in the air. I asked about it, but she lied.

 

She would say the only reason I made it to her apartment was because I was open. The authentic part I nailed it. The not caring what people thought I hit a triple axel in her eyes, maybe not in mine or anyone reading this.

 

She started cancelling dates. (This is not all in chronological order) There were lies and more lies I saw through. When I expressed dissatisfaction about a no call she said what were going to do in a condescending voice. Watch basketball, I love basketball.

 

I lived in a drug house at this time with an old frined to save money for my own place. It was bad in there too. So I took action and went to a shelter. She said I had  no common sense for this. I felt it was right. Save money and deal with more uncomfortable conditions to gain more independence. The mangaer messed up my paper work and I had no where to stay for a night. So I called her and went to her place. This day at work I did not say hi to her. The mom abandonment problems or whatever they are makes me fold when a woman likes me. She made a scene and yelled then stormed to the office. I lied when I told her the reason rather than be open. I said it was because I have bigger feelings for you than you do for me. My feelings began to diminish.

She would taunt me in her room about my penis size. (This has been a soft spot for me. Even though once when we had sex I said its not that big and she kept saying look at this holding it out) She tried to make me jealous. She left for Cali later that week. She told me a lie I saw through.

I was fed up. Maybe my dependence started it. I got clingy and needy and stuff. I knew I didn’t really want to hang sometimes. I knew I wanted to date other women. There was this one woman I complimented at the gym (Working at gym has helped especially approaching when crowded) who has a lot of ass that she commented on when she exited. The same girl smiled at me when I was behind the front desk. I chose to take some of the abuse because it was easy pussy access and convient. Once I got better on certain things the magic wore off. I think I kiked her because she liked me. The other women I had mutual attraction with never got off the tarmac because I was scared of their beauty possibly making this current story worse without mastering End Game.

 

There were other times when I could care less about what she did or didn’t do. At first , when she talked to guys near me I felt a ruch in my stomach. Then later, I felt nothing.

Finally, she yelled at me telling me to go back to the drug house. I said no. I had been listeing to others my entire life, I was going to start making my own decisions. She exited the room I guess to talk to her roommate who she rented from. I kept breathing and grounded myself. Then I talked to her about my decision. She wanted to have sex afterwards.

In all, I learned you constantly have to keep inching forward like a shark. There was a lot to this fling. I’m focusing on what I did and didn’t do. If anything, I know when I follow bodily feelings and break through fear good things usually happen in terms of results and feeling good about myself. If I apply more of End Game I will be ok. I have my own place now and more time to dedicate to applying the philosophy. More importantly, creating the life I want. I really had no life this time. I was just writing and playing ball then that stopped once I got moved to the traphouse.

The fundamentals got harder for me when the game was on the line. But, its just breaking through fear. End Game seems like a moment-by-moment process to day-by-day to week-by-week and so on.

I have a tendency to gauge a situation by my actions only. Sometimes, I feel like I must be perfect to achieve thiese things. IF attraction is not a choice, then I fucked-up is my way of thinking. I cant put everyting in here, its long enough as is. Its just the meat of potatoes as pertaining to End Game. Now sometimes, I go out without getting dressed. I can go a month without a haircut without calling myself ugly as I would do when I became attracted to Amber. Through it all, I should have walked away from Amber. We never connected and I knew that. Her charm coupled with my dependence hooked me in. There were really no commonalities except for realestate interests for financial independence. When I fell off track with writing ( I was writing two books) she would criticize. I didn’t do the same even though some of her ambitions were more talk than action along with her unattractive behaviors and traits. I looked past a lot that maybe I should not have. She said she was crazy. Even called herself a sarcubust of all things. I got really unattracted to her as well, but never really spoke with other women. I don’t want to be a fat guy calling other guys fat.

 

I felt like a bitch at times for not saying this or doing that. I gave her a rope to tie my neck. When I did take action, I felt really good about myself. I’ve learned this counts in all areas. I don’t always want to put my feelings above other peoples feelings all the time though. Its either me or you was what I thought with her. Is compromise compromising myself. I learned that it is. Maybe im too condiniotned, but it makes me feel like abad guy unitl I feel good about myself when ive expressed myself. This was probably making me unattractive in her eyes. Anyway, I felt it.

 

She would always beg to talk to me when I was working. I would say im working then she’d complain. When it got bad, I was excercising and went to talk to her for a few minutes. I hadn’t seen her or talked to her in a while. She eventually shooed my away. I wasn confused. All the tmes she’s snap when I accidenslty ignored her. She’d say call me sometimes. I would  be sleep by the times she’d got off. I was up late once. Things got super bad at the drug house, I relapsed and was up so I called her. She said this or that than said bye. It got to the point where I didn’t want to hang with her for my birthday. I just wanted pizza and head. I never set it up. I woud want her to be open about stuff and tell the truth. She gave an angry text and when I called she said a lot like I want to know how you feel and stuff. Then she thought I was upset she dint want to hang anymore. I could care less. I felt no bodly sensations. I smiled the entire time. Maybe it was fake love or something. Buy we were friends and did want to hang sometimes. Ulitimately, she was a hypocritr that held me to higher stsndards she held herself and I would have to explain a lot or she’d misjudge and citisize.

 

I was criticized for not saving enough to get my own place. When I spent the mney I saved she got madder. All the while she was promoted and hadn’t saved a dime and yelled at me for trying to sponge off a friend I knew since first grade when she had been doing the same thing for a longer time. I hardly called her out on her behavior. Who am I to judge with the things I did since the Romeanee Ives fiasco. I want to be hard, but not overbearing. I don’t want to condemn nor challenge but see a way toward a solution.

Yelling and blaming don’t work in my opinion. She did that a lot and was wrong a lot. I never tried to control or manipulate really in my opinion, but what actions can I take to get things accomplished. They say put a woman in her place, how can I do that without hurting the ego. Its probably staying present. Do you call out a liar or move on considering many people lie. How can I accept someone’s flaws without leaving a situation when they appear when everyone has them. Im imperfect.  She wanted to ride my face, but didn’t want me to fuck hers unless I earned it. When I did do it I felt like a rapist. I guess I stopped evaluating.

 
Thanks for reading I guess.

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