LifeOS Academy Forums General Dating, Sex, and Relationships Worried that I’m “taking ownership” to an irrational and unhealthy level

Worried that I’m “taking ownership” to an irrational and unhealthy level

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  • #23940

    I think the “taking ownership” article is probably one of the most helpful articles on this site. However, I’m just considering now that I think I’ve developed a problem with it (which I think is evidenced in what I’ve written in some of my other posts) in that I started to think that whenever someone does something to me it’s always because there’s something that I did that contributed to it which is leading me to over-analyse my behaviour to an unhealthy level to the point where I do absolutely nothing else and get exhausted, and also to the point where I keep changing my behaviour (thinking I must have done something “wrong” and constantly experimenting with other behaviours) rather than behave in an authentic way.

    In the past when a girl was repeatedly being guarded, shitty, hot-and-cold, acting like a complete lunatic, etc. I would just acknowledge the fact that there was clearly something wrong with them (i.e., boring, exhausting, unstable) and try to never talk to them again because I knew there was no point. However, lately – maybe the past year or longer – I’ve got into the habit of thinking that there is always something that I’m doing that is causing them to behave in this way which had led me to constantly second-guess and over-analyse absolutely everything I’m doing rather than consider the fact that they are just a fucked-up person and that it has got nothing to do with me, and that there is nothing I can do to stop them from being so deranged.

    I think the reason I changed how I looked at things is because I would see the women who acted in this way towards me not do the same shitty things to other guys, leading me to believe that I must be doing something (being desperate/boring/something else) that these other guys are not doing. However, I’m starting to come back to the same conclusion that I used to have in the past is that it’s got nothing to do with the fact that another guy is more confident, less boring, etc. and more just to do with the fact that we signal different types of qualities and values and that these things that these other guys signal are maybe just more compatible with the girl’s than mine.

    That is, I think the problem is that instead of being my hyper-selective self that I always used to be, I have gone completely in the other¬† direction and started assuming that it’s possible to get on with any girl and if not then there must be something I’m doing wrong, which is causing me to constantly analyse and change my behaviour on the fly whenever I’m having a problem with some girl. That is – “taking ownership” has actually caused me to become a needy and desperate person and prevented me from being myself and accepting that most of the women I encounter are in fact just shitty people, their behaviour has got nothing to do with me, and to just cut off any interaction with them and just find a girl where everything is effortless and I can just be myself.

    I don’t know. I’m really confused and feel I’ve been behaving in this new way for so long that I don’t know what “being myself” even is any more.

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  • #23941


    Also, Leigh, I think there might be a problem with the site because I tried responding in the other thread (about aggravators and boundaries) but every time I try and post it doesn’t seem to show in the thread.



    Is the way that someone responds to your actions or intentions inside your control or outside your control?

    Should you even be focussing on it?

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