[Alexander]

Jimmy wrote:

Also, you said you want to FEEL sexually attractive. You want to FEEL masculine. It’s important to note that FEELING “sexually attractive” and people being attracted to you are two different things. So is it that you want people to be attracted to you or you want to feel sexually attractive/masculine/confident/manly. Or perhaps are you trying to feel wanted and are looking at women to fulfill that need in you. There are layers here. And the first step to discovering those layers is figure out what you want out of this venture. I would suggest reading the article for now. Maybe we’ll find out something new. Best of luck.

I thought it was clear from his posts that the reason he wished to feel sexually attractive was because the confidence would make him more attractive to women based on the advice from his female friends. He already knows from them that some women consider him attractive as far as looks go, but do not consider him as a potential mate because he does not present “sexually” whatever that means. I realise it is rather arrogant for me to pontificate like this when I have only recently joined the thread.

Retrospectively, I myself may have missed signals, but back in year seven (probably too young to be in a requited romantic relationship anyway) I had trouble coping with that girl joking about me being the father of her child. Was that banter, some weird form of flirtation, or actual harassment? How should I know? Humans (myself included) are so illogical. Despite the bold words she usually seemed relatively shy and insecure. I remember meeting her in a public library some time later thinking she looked very elegant and more self-assured. She apparently re members by tendency to interrupt and correct teachers fondly.

There was also a girl who used to sing “Stop in the name of love” at me, but I am pretty sure that was just playful.

[Alexander]

I can relate to this. Not so much the concern about being accused, though that may be real enough. I worry that women will be made uncomfortable. Look, to the extent that (if I do say so myself) I can manage a degree of charm, it is in a friendly way. Any attempt to come across as more flirtatious or “sexual” will probably just come across as creepy (though I think I may twice in my life have crossed the line from banter into outright flirtation, one of those times was when I was suffering insomnia and heartbreak – I was probably subconsciously trying to make her jealous, a bad motive for flirtation if I ever heard one; in any case, that sort of slightly manic energy, which I have also known to affect my ability to use humour, can mercifully not be readily summoned, as otherwise I would be more likely to slide into actual harassment). With my Asperger’s Syndrome my judgment of the difference between banter, flirtation and harassment is likely to be faulty, as objectively the behaviour and words do not necessarily differ significantly. So it is better to err on the side of caution. That way only one person (myself) need be disturbed.

[Alexander]

Hello, my name is Alexander. I have recently joined. I have been losing sleep and obsessing far too much about being single. I can be content sometimes with the real prospect of life-long celibacy, but at other times seriously not. I think it would be more important to deal with these internal issues rather than changing my marital status, as the consequences of said issues in a relationship could be dire.

[Author]

Replies