My Short-Story for Creative Writing Class – Your thoughts?

[Miguel]

Enjoying the evening, atop a private rooftop lounge. Within the lounge, a beautiful world-class patio: one with a breathtaking view of the ‘high-rollers’, ’bachelor parties’, and endless ‘reckless drinking’. Anybody who is ‘anybody’ has come to this private lounge to experience the breathtaking view, this beautiful patio provides.

As the evening proceeds. An Irish scotch – on the rocks – in one hand; In the other: a beautiful curvaceous blonde named Tikka, dances the night away along my side.

“I need a break. I’m heading to the patio to smoke a cigar, get away from all this disaster, I’m feeling nauseous” I tell Tikka.  “Okay” – Tikka replies

To my surprise, I found the patio. Only it doesn’t resemble anything like the brochure. “How many drinks did I have?” I began asking myself. Only after finding myself in a big metallic cube, full of buttons, with the number 63 stamped right on the corner of the metallic grey cube.

Moments later, I finally find the patio. “Such a beautiful patio,” I think. “Just like the brochure.”

The view. I embraced this beautiful view.

I peered into the distance. I glanced downwards something felt odd. Across this same building, below: I noticed a reflection on the corner of my eye calling me; On the opposite direction, a crowd of hundreds enjoying a concert below.

As the evening proceeds, Smoke clouds emerged, a loud thunderous crackle resonating from the barrel of a m-16 spraying empty on to the crowd below: From the window of the 32nd floor.

No one seems to notice. The music is blaring, everyone is in their world – 63 floors up.

In Awe. The night pissed and wasted away. Interrupted to the sight of such horror. I felt I had to find a way to stop such horror.

Tasha saw the bullets piercing into the flesh of the innocent bystanders below. In horror, Anthony screamed at the sight take cover to protect themselves.

A performer on stage perforated in the leg bled out.

I go downstairs to find the police. Their no police officers on guard, only security.

To the corner of my eye – even 63 floors up, I was able to catch a glimpse of something intriguing.

As I peered into the distance, I noticed a woman kneeled down, with her head position downwards and in both arms holding what seemed to me a rosary, like she was praying.

I was intrigued and surprised at the same time. “Get out of there. Run” I wanted to tell her, but I knew there was no use I was very from her, but I could see her I could make out  – the only thing I could make out. Everybody was running and the women, which was in plain sight was kneeling down praying – in such circumstances. Which left me in amazement. We in such dire circumstances always have the capability to turn to hope and pray, and we have internal greatness within us, for the best circumstance.

I guess I wasn’t the only one who witnessed such an intriguing sight as my partner Tikka knelt beside me and starting saying praying herself.

 

Topic

[Leigh]

I was never conscious of this, but one of the things I find most attractive in a woman is her ability to use words in a powerful, creative, and unique way. Ever since I became conscious of that, I’ve loved the written word. I haven’t done much in the way of studying or improving my written communication, but I definitely want to.

The piece above is good. What’s the objective? What’s the assignment? And what kind of feedback do you want?

[Jimmy]

I felt like I was there.  I could smell the night.  It felt, interesting.  This wasn’t about the Las Vegas shooting was it?

[Anonymous]

It was thrilling and interesting. I am curious to know what happens next.

plus, let us know what type of feedback( like grammer, or storyline) you are looking for.

[Miguel]

Hey guys, thank you for your response

To provide some context: Yeah, the story happened to be about the tragic shooting that took place in Las Vegas about a year ago from the 32nd floor of the Mandalay Bay. Our assignment is to create a story of a recent tragedy: recent shootings, hurricanes: Hurricane Katrina, 9/11, etc.. and create a firsthand witness experience of something you saw in that tragic moment that no one else saw. In my writing class, they stress that we must provide vivid imagery in our stories so that we can engage the sensory details of the reader. We can do this by writing what we know about.

I chose Las Vegas because I love the city; It’s something I can provide details about since I’m familiar with it. The Setting takes place up the 63rd floor of the Mandalay Bay, in a rooftop lounge bar (I don’t know if you guys been but they have a breathtaking view up there, It’s amazing!) I usually go when I’m there, and I chose to incorporate that the story. So… as I’m still a novice at this writing stuff, I’m sure you could tell my writing isn’t the best. But I would love your feedback: Did you guys like the storyline? Did you find the story be vividly descriptive and was the imagery good?  If so, where did you think I can improve? Any feedback is greatly appreciated, thanks.

Oh, Leigh – I totally agree mate. Speaking of Las Vegas, there was this cute Filipina girl who I met my first time there she was bubbly cute and I still remember her. She was living in San Francisco at the time and we exchanged numbers. She was really into literature and writing – she was a very good writer herself; I found that deeply attractive about her. She had a way of being creative with words, and she’s the reason I actually got into writing. Before her, I just wrote minimally like my goals, interests, nothing creative. I can think of nothing more attractive in a woman. It’s something subliminal too, haha. I hope fate re-unites us and I can show her how much I’ve improved my writing, like a silly rom-com haha. I would say to her… Like my favorite erratic writer, Hank Moody quotes, “Your so beautiful your almost ugly.” Haha, thanks mate.

[Author]

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