[Doug]

Hi Jimmy – I’ve been looking at the exercise in the article you quoted and tbh, I’m completely stumped from the beginning.  Are there any other exercises that would “help [you] see what not telling [you]”?

[Doug]

In the article about how to be more masculine, the main point seems to be that one needs to be ‘certain’ about the various elements in one’s life.  I am ‘certain’ in most aspects and have had significant success – financially, professionally, etc., – but when it comes to women, I’m completely uncertain as to even if I can be attractive to them.  I don’t see signs from women – I’ve already admitted that they might be there – but if I don’t see them, I’m not about to act because – as I said – we live in a society where guys like me take a huge risk just saying hello to a woman.  Yes, my women friends say I should act more ‘sexual’, but they never tell me what that means *for me*.  They think that as a guy, I should somehow just know.  I don’t.

[Doug]

Hi Jimmy – I think there are two underlying issues: (1) I honestly have no idea what would need to change for it to be possible a woman to be attracted to me – or if it is possible at all; and, (2) I want to escalate but feel uncomfortable/unsure.

[Doug]

Hi Jimmy – If I can make a woman feel sexually attracted to me, then she will be.  To do that – as I understand – I first need to accept myself as a sexual person that is able to attract women in the first place.  This is what I take from Leigh’s articles and other sources, and this is where my block is – it doesn’t have anything to do with anyone but me.  I’d like to feel wanted by a woman, yes – but I totally get that for that to happen, I need to sense that I can be someone who someone else could want in that way.  I take your point that feeling sexually attractive and being attractive to others are two separate things, but the second can’t happen without the first, right?  Correct me if I’m wrong.

[Doug]

Thank you for sticking with me, Leigh.  I get the ‘what’ of your message, but am still at a complete loss regarding the ‘how’.  Among the good points you make, you say, “f you can make a woman experience what she wants to experience, then she will be attracted to you. If you can’t, then she won’t.” I have many female friends – a few of whom are among my closest friends in fact, but it’s all platonic.  I have no problem ‘attracting women as [very good] friends, but don’t know how to move to a sexual relationship.  As I said in a response to Jimmy, in order to attract a woman sexually, I need to be able to accept that I am / can be sexually attractive.  I just can’t seem to do that.  I’m certainly not saying the things you’ve said here / in your articles don’t apply to me – but that I don’t know how to apply them.  My women friends say I need to ‘act sexual’ – but I don’t know how – because I don’t know how to make myself see myself as a sexual person.  

[Doug]

Hi Jimmy – thank you for your interest.  I’m here to see if someone can help me find out how – as a guy – to ‘feel sexually attractive’.  As I mentioned in my last response, my women friends have told me time and time again that in order to attract women on a sexual level, I have to be first of all accept myself as attractive that way (i.e., that I have something to offer women and that I can be chosen by women as a mate) – and I just can’t seem to do it.  I’m looking for  guidance on how to do that – I’ve never been able to – and it’s frustrating because I want to meet women and have all sorts of fun, not just the platonic kind I have plenty of now.  My women friends tell me that women need to be ‘lead to the bedroom’ and if I can’t see myself as being worthy of taking a woman there, it won’t happen.  Any thoughts?

[Doug]

I get your frustration, Leigh.  As I said a few days ago, “I honestly have no idea what would need to change for it to be possible a woman to be attracted to me.”  I’ve raised this with several woman friends (and/or they’ve raised it with me) – their response has been that I “…just need to show my masculine (sexual) side” when I interact with women I’m attracted to.  I honestly have no idea what they’re talking about and so don’t know where to start.  My women friends say I am attractive but that I can’t see it and so can’t be confident in myself around women I find sexually attractive.  Basically they say I need to ‘feel sexually attractive’ before I can actually be that – but I don’t, and never have.  Does this give us something to work with?

[Doug]

Additionally, men are advised that not to act on [extremely subtle] signals from a woman (like moments of eye contact) is a big mistake.  We’re told that the woman already feels like she’s given a green light, and that if  a guy doesn’t do anything, she’ll think it’s because he’s not interested.  In a world where accusers are routinely believed (often but not always justifiably) and accused are deemed guilty by default (pretty much always), I’m not about to approach a woman – no matter how attractive I find her – if I sort of think I see what might be a signal.  I do not want – nor will I allow myself – to be put in a position where I lose friends, credibility – and possibly my job, property and freedom.  I do not see any way to get around this because this is – so we are told – the way it is.  Other guys are able to attract women – somehow – and I am not.

[Doug]

Throughout my life I’ve seen all sorts of guys getting women’s attention – I have never gotten any at all.  Literally none.  It’s obvious that other guys have something I don’t – namely the ability to attract women.  Since men have to compete for women’s attention, clearly other guys are attractive and I am not, leading me to conclude that I can’t attract women.  I honestly have no idea what would need to change for it to be possible a woman to be attracted to me – or if it is possible at all.  I have talked to woman friends about this – their response has been that I “…just need to show my masculine (sexual) side” when I interact with women I’m attracted to.  I honestly have no idea what they’re talking about and so don’t know where to start.

[Author]

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